Comedian

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.

Ah, the pleasure, the joy - a big news story that runs and runs, that is played down by some of our journalistic colleagues, saying 'it'll never happen', only to be confirmed by the Home Secretary.

Of, course it always cheers a news editor when a story has what we describe as 'legs' therefore it, erm, runs.

As we saw in the Queen's Speech, anti-social behaviour - a phenomenon that I believe to be a genuine worry that is also being fed by a lot of scare stories - is the political theme of the moment.

If a man works like a horse for his money, there are a lot of girls anxious to take him down the bridal path.

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